Parenthood
by SinceILeftYou
Summary: Shepard gets a little more than she bargained for after having assembled a crew of the galaxy's deadliest. Crackfic. :D . Oneshot.


**A/N: A I got the idea for this after reading the Shadow Broker Dossier for Grunt ^^. +I'm sorry, to those of you watching, if updating my other story is taking ages. The next chapter still has a tonne of revising which needs to be done (revisions which keep being added too everytime I open the file and read it -,-). But still, I hope you all enjoy this story :) **

**+I'd like to thank the Chicken Bone track from the Cowboy Bebop OST for keeping me company as I write this. God, I love the episode that features in so much :D. **

Parenthood**  
**

Grunt glared at the posters of dinosaurs which lined the walls of his room; they all seemed so stupid now. No, stupid wasn't the word. _Juvenile._ With one deft sweep from one of his massive arms, he tore them down.

* * *

Faint vibrations and an insistent banging shook Commander Shepard away from her deep sleep. Oh god, the Collectors were back! Everyone had to get into an escape pod now, yes Liara, even you! Don't worry; I'll be fine, back before you know it. _I promise_. Someone needs to get Joker. Joker where is he? Why hasn't anyone gone for him yet? Crap. Joker, you need to move now! I mean it, _now! _Just to get to the escape pod, get there before... before...

"Shepard! Open this bloody door!"

Shepard was jolted wide awake. She looked at the time; crap, she had overslept. Again. No doubt Cerberus power-bitch Miranda would chew her ear off for this. She wrapped a bathrobe around herself and opened the door to greet her visitor.

"What?" She growled, irritable from being awoken.

Zaeed had his arms folded across his chest and did not look impressed.

"Can you do something about that bloody Krogan of yours? He's only gone and locked himself in his room and started playing loud music."

Ah, so that explains the vibrations then.

"All me and Jessie want is some quiet time together in the mornings."

_Riiiight_; this would be about your weird gun fetish, wouldn't it Zaeed?

"I mean, I'm not paid enough to-"

Oh, shut up already.

"Zaeed, listen. I'll go down there, _when I'm dressed_, and see if I can solve the problem." Anything to make him go away and take his incessant babbling with him.

"Hmph. Fine Shepard, but I'm holding to your word and you'll do well to remember that."

And with that he turned and left the doorway of Shepards quarters.

[...]

A few hours later, and after numerous complaints from the crew about Grunt, Shepard found herself waiting in the Normandy lift with Garrus and nothing else for company except an almighty headache.

"So uh... don't you have calibrations to do or something?"

"Not likely."

"When I wanted to speak to you earlier you had Calibrations to do."

"Well, I'm done. Besides, if you think I'm going to let you go alone to face an angry Krogan in closed quarters alone, you're sadly mistaken."

"I appreciate the concern Garrus, but I'm a big girl. I think I can handle myself."

"Handle yourself like you did on that last mission you mean? If it weren't for me and my supreme sniper skills..."

Here we go again.

"...you would definitely have been dead meat. I'm coming down with you. End of."

"Yeah, yeah, talk it up Garrus." She observed that the lift had almost reached the Engineering Deck. "Besides, if you're hoping I'm going to grope you like last time we were in a lift alone together, I'm afraid you're in for a big disappointment."

Garrus could only stare as she coyly stalked out of the lift.

_Damn it, how did she know?_

[...]

"Grunt," Shepard banged on the cargo hold door "open this door right now!"

"NO!"

"As your Commanding Officer, I order you to open this door!"

No reply.

"Shepard, do you think that maybe you're being a little harsh with him?"

"Oh, and I suppose you wrote the book on dealing with adolescent Krogans did you?" Shepard diverted her attention away from Garrus and back to the door. "You have until the count of three to open this door before I override the locks!"

"One..."

A desperate rustling noise came from inside, accompanied by poorly muffled giggles. Giggles? Since when did Krogan giggle?

"Two..."

Come to think of it, Jack hadn't been seen all morning: Then again, since when did Jack giggle?

"Two-and-a-half..."

"FINE!"

The door popped open revealing Grunt and Jack sitting among the little visible floor under the tremendous mess in the room. Jack had an all too familiar gleam in her eyes.

"Okay, hand it over!"

"Hand what over Commander Ma'am?"

"You know what I mean!"

Jack blinked her eyes at Shepard innocently.

"Do I really have to spell it out?" Shepard sighed. "The Hallex you have so obviously been taking."

"I really don't know what you're talking about Commander Ma'am."

"You're taking me for someone who didn't grow up on the drug-haven streets of Earth. Now hand it over!"

Jack stared up obstinately.

"You know what, I'll deal with you later Jack. Now get out of here." Jack made no move. "And that's an order!"

"Fine, I'm gone. _Commander Ma'am."_

Shepard waited until Jack was gone until she turned her attention on Grunt.

"What would Okeer say if he saw you now?"

"I don't care what that old man thinks."

"Fine, I'll put it in perspective for you. Garrus, what would your father have said if he'd caught you with drugs?"

"Actually Commander, in Turian culture recreational drug use isn't actually frowned upon so long as it doesn't interfere- OW!" Did she really have to stamp on his foot so hard? "I mean, um, disappointed. So very disappointed; even more so than if I was _risking my life to help a resurrected Spectre fight mythical creatures_."

"Ok, you can be quiet now Garrus. That Jack girl is a bad influence on you Grunt; I don't think you should see her anymore."

"So I'm not allowed friends now?"

"I didn't say that. What about Zaeed? I'm sure if you asked him nicely he'd let you play with his gun collection."

"I don't want to play with his stupid guns."

"Or what about Tali-"

"GRAARGGHH, WHY DOESN'T ANYBODY HERE GODDAMN UNDERSTAND ME?"

"That's no way to address your Commanding Officer, young man!"

"And what are you going to do? Bend me over your knee and spank me?"

"Oh, believe you me; you're giving me half a mind to right now..."

"Shepard, I don't think that you're handling this in the best way..."

"I want the mess in here cleaned up! And you can forget about that trip to Omega!"

"FineIdon'." Grunt muttered under his breath.

"What was that?"

"NOTHING!"

"You bet it was nothing!"

"And I don't think screaming is going to help matters either..."

"Any more orders for me to dutifully follow, _Commader? _How about I jump off a cliff?_"_

"You did not use sarcasm on me, young man! That's it! You're grounded for a month!"

"Grounded? What kind of a weird human ritual is that?"

"I'm not sure, but that's not the point-"

"Hmph! The tank never grounded me!"

"No, instead it just imprinted brainwashing images into your head! You know what; why don't you just stay with the tank since you love it so much!"

"Maybe I will!"

"Fine!"

"Fine!"

And with one last reproachful glare around the room, Shepard stormed out of the cargo hold dragging Garrus out with her by the wrist.

"Oh Garrus!" She fell into his arms "Where did we go wrong?"

"Wait? What do you mean by "we" exactly?"

"It feels like only a few weeks ago that he was just out his tank. I can remember the time when he had me by the neck and was threatening to kill me..."

"That was might be because it _was_ only a few weeks ago..."

"Exactly!"

"Hold on a minute: You let that bastard almost kill you? The only reason I only- _We only_ let you get him out of there was because you assured us nothing like that would ever happen."

"They grow up so fast."

"Are you even listening Shepard?"

"Well, we'll always have the memories."

Whatever; must be some human thing. Besides, he was rather enjoying Shepard's embrace right now.

"And Garrus, you can take your hand off of my ass now."

_Damn it._


End file.
